Stuff Poor People Like

This one I don’t understand. I got it in the form of an e-mail from a reader. But upon further investigation I was saddened to find out that poor people like David Hasselhoff.

Baywatch was a piece of crap show. It was merely an excuse for people who couldn’t afford cable to get their jerk sessions in order. But from the pits of 1000’s of men’s spooge rose a star. THE HOFF!!!!!

The poor population in Germany though seriously adore this guy. For his boyish good looks, and his phenomenal vocal ability.

David Hasselhoff does do a ton for the poor though, so I couldn’t leave this unmentioned. It is rumored that one time The Hoff himself once choked a homeless guy to death, skinned him and cured the hide, and made a new face for Michael Jackson (they’re pals). Michael payed him $50 with which he went to Hardee’s and bought the famous Thickburger from his video. How does this benefit the poor? Someone had to make that Thickburger…….. Goodnight folks.

Yes, the gentleman pictured above loves his bicycle. The poor population (in the interest of not getting a DUI) always use their bike during non work hours. Mr. Hankins would get PISSED if he found out you used his 1978 company van to go pick up your 12 pack of milwaukee’s best.

I’ve lived poor before, and one thing that holds true with all bicycles is this….. handlebars are amazing places to set your beer while you navigate back to the trailer park in a drunken stupor.

You see, the rings that often end up killing fish and dolphins, rest PERFECTLY on the handlebars of bicycles. You don’t even have to one arm it, just stick it on the handlebars and ROCK ON! You can even smoke a marlboro light while you ride.

Watch an episode of cops, I bet you dollars to donuts that you’ll see some shirtless guy, riding a 10 speed with a cigarette hanging out of his mustachioed upper lip.

Ahh the smell of mothballs. I liken it to the smell of a vintage Parisian wine. But poor people associate it with the smell of fashion. Yep, if you need a new wardrobe when you’re in a financial bind, your only likely option is the thrift store.

You’ll be the talk of the town outside of Home Depot in your new “Git R Done” shirt you got for .99 cents. Complete with acidic armpit sweat holes pre-installed in your new T-shirt! Makes me want to puke, but the poor just call it portable air conditioning.

Your local thrift store is a great place to pick up chicks to have violent choke sex with though. So I would kind of recommend this for stuff horny people like.

Yes thats right, poor people are infatuated with RC Cola. For a drink thats been around for 103 years you think they would have gained a market share vs. Pepsi and Coca Cola. Wrong.

It just goes to show that when poor people endorse your product you’re bound to a life of mediocrity. The taste of RC Cola can only be compared to one thing ….. tobacco spit from a snuff user. Yep, it looks and tastes like what I imagine that would taste like.

So whats the attraction to it for the poor population? Duh, they sell it Dollar Tree!! You can get this soda for a WHOPPING $1. Also, when you’re done with the bottle you can use it to cultivate tomato plants inside your 1 bedroom poverty domicile! WIN WIN!!!!!

Poor people LOVE Wal-Mart. Thats a known fact. But most people only know the saying, they don’t know the meaning. No one ponders anymore like great philosophers used to “why do poor people love Wal-Mart?”. Well, since I have your attention, let me tell you why exactly poor people do in fact….. love Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart has everything a poor population could need. From shotguns to car seats, its the one stop shop for Christmas, birthdays, groceries, and even child neglect! Nothing says “I hate you because you’re gay son” like that new glue gun over in crafts you’re going to use to scald his homosexually tainted skin with.

Lets not forget about mom, in between child birthings she may actually find time to wear clothes not from the maternity section. In which case she can check out all the latest fashions including (but not limited to) boot scootin’ apparel, granny panties, and the ever fashionable polka dot moo moo (for bbw only).

Yep, in summation poor people like Wal-Mart for a lot of reasons. But in my opinion its just saying “I’m not quite on the Costco level yet, but I’ll get there”

Why wouldn’t poor people like Ramen? I mean to them it is *TECHNICALLY* meat. They think beef flavor or chicken flavor means exactly that. What else can you feed your entire family with for less money than a bag of Doritos (which are delicious by the way if you can afford them)?

And if they manage to get their hands on a flavor like the one pictured above, they will be sure to break out ol’ granny Thompson’s fine china she left to the family when she passed. MMmmmm Mmmm!!! Good eats, fancy fixin’s.

Finds like those are EXTREMELY rare at your local Wal-Mart. Speaking of Wal-Mart, I bet poor people like Wal-Mart too…. Well, off to research that!

Picture This:

Its been a hard day. You’ve been working your ass off leaning against that shovel doing repair work for your states local DOT. The stink of Marlboro Lights permeates from your mustache. You need refreshing. And fast. You hop in your 1986 Ford F-150 and rush back to the house you share with your brother and his wife, and your wife, and her mother.

You kick open the door, running straight for the fridge, pushing every cross-eyed, dirty diaper having kid out of your way. You finally make it! YES! YES! THAT F*CKING KOOL AID GUY IS GONNA BUST THROUGH MY WALL ANY SECOND NOW!!!!

Ahh. Yes, poor people and their love for Kool-Aid. It goes hand in hand, like liberals and fantasy. I feel like Kool-Aid is one of the most positive influences on the poor in my area. It brings a bit of cheer into an otherwise drab existence. You can’t quite afford Dr. Thunder. But you’re not quite poor enough to drink tap water (or wyler’s).

Its the one powdered flavored beverage that lets a poor person say hey, things are gonna get better. Way better.

Why do poor people like George Bush? Simple answer, he took the one thing every poor person needs, and gave it to them for free. Yep. That stimulus check made poor people like ol’ W.

I predict more negative than positive will come from it though, because as we have learned in the past, you can’t give poor people anything. Within days of the checks rolling out I predict an immediate shortage of Rustler jeans from Wal-Mart. How is this at all negative? Well I’m glad you asked.

You see, the poor population and the local illegal immigrant population are similar in only one way. They F*CKING LOVE Rustler Jeans. The problem is, these illegals won’t be getting a stimulus check, giving all the local poor people the Rustler jean buying power.

In retaliation, the immigrants will strike, driving all the poor white folks’ heating and air conditioning businesses to their knees, until they are forced to return their Rustler jeans to Wal-Mart and raise the illegal immigrants pay.

(Side note) In this post, I realized that I am actually insane.

Thanks George Bush!!!